6:00 AM: I’m awake. Did I even sleep? I try to remember when I did fall asleep last night and as I do, there’s a slight throbbing on the right side of my head. The migraine is back. I bury my face in the pillow in an attempt to fight the pain as I grab the mobile phone from the desk. I open Instagram to see updates and stories. I watch them aimlessly while an emptiness grips me from the inside. I then stalk my ex’s profile only to aggravate the desolation.
6:35 AM: After confronting my inner demons with great difficulty, I idle out for a jog with my earphones playing the same music that they have for the last 100 days or so. In the park, I observe an elderly man showcasing his counselling skills – speaking on energy in front of a group of people. I am tempted to join but find a way back to my house.
7:40 AM: I check my weight. It hasn’t budged – been the same for at least for the last six months. It unnerves me but every little thing has that effect. Even when things go according to plan, I find a way to bring myself down.
7:55 AM: I’m standing in the shower, water running down my shape. I remember last November with Aashna – the way we would find new restaurants and bars to explore in the city. We would end up in her flat where her dog wagged his tail and rolled on the floor and waited for me to shower him with love. We would drink some more and watch Netflix. I miss them.
8:15 AM: I make myself breakfast, nothing special. Boiled egg whites and a glass of juice. I don’t feel like eating but I do nonetheless. I open the newspaper but only find advertisements. Annoyed, I throw the newspaper in the bin.
8:47 AM: My mum calls me. I tell her about my new clients. She tells me how proud she is of me. My voice cracks. I realise it is because of her, I keep getting back up even when I don’t want to.
9:00 AM: I’m back in the bed and muddle myself with blankets even though it’s not cold. I close my eyes but open them instantly and stare at the ceiling. Even though it’s the weekend I convince myself to finish the pending work from the week.
9:20 AM: I answer a few emails. I think I sound pissed in them. Someone replies back. I am more pissed now.
9:55 AM: I open YouTube to watch funny videos with the hope it’ll make me feel better. I search for people coping with depression.
10:20 AM: I have watched a couple of videos but don’t feel any better. I search for counsellors in the city but close those tabs immediately.
10:46 AM: I search for desserts in the house. There’s none. I contemplate going out to buy. I settle for a cookie.
11:11 AM: I see my watch. The four 1111s together mean that finally, my times would change for better. Soon enough, my mind tells me that it’s a flimsy assumption.
11:52 AM: I call my cook and ask her not to come today. This is the 4th Saturday in a row I’m doing that. I fear she might leave as well.
12:30 PM: I feel hungry and want to try a new place today. I open Zomato but the hoard of restaurants overwhelm me. After scrolling through at least a dozen places, I order the same sandwich from the same restaurant.
1:20 PM: The order is still not here. Do I even feel hungry anymore?
1:47 PM: The Zomato delivery person calls me for directions. I snap and tell him to follow map directions or return without delivering the food. I open a packet of chips and start munching on them.
2:15 PM: I finish my lunch and start watching Breaking Bad for the hundredth time. I am not sure if I watched the same episode yesterday. These days I’m not sure of anything.
3:00 PM: I try to write something for the next chapter of my book. However, it is extremely hard to come up with anything. Every day I decide that I will begin the next chapter but thoughts leave me stranded without erudite articulation. I search for the creative fire inside my soul but it seems it has been extinguished. I light up a cigarette in an attempt to calm my nerves. The second reason I do so is it helps me think. For a second, I feel it is working as I write a couple of sentences, however, as soon as I crush the cigarette, I find my mind filling up with nothingness. I force to come up with something and write further but it’s too much effort and I fear it will all be in vain. I snap the laptop shut.
4:14 PM: I think of taking a power nap for 20 minutes and set the alarm accordingly. Naps are supposedly one of the prescribed ways to treat depression.
4:25 PM: I can’t nap as unpleasant thoughts crowd my mind. I open my eyes and sit straight on the bed without any plan on how to spend the remainder of the day.
4:43 PM: I pick up a book to read. The words coming out of it make me remember the past for which I wasn’t prepared.
5:17 PM: I go for a walk to release toxins and get the body moving. All it did was take me out as I didn’t feel any better.
6:00 PM: A friend calls me. I ignore her call. I really can’t be conversing right now as I wouldn’t know what to say. Moreover, she would pester me with questions I don’t have the answer to. She might invite me out for dinner which probably would feel good considering I have hardly eaten anything since morning. However, I decide against my better judgement and tuck inside the bed and put on Netflix.
6:40 PM: I am bored to death. I should have probably answered my friend’s call. I think of calling her back but don’t have the courage and most importantly the energy of going through with it. I slump back on the bed.
7:21 PM: I promise myself that I won’t take out the bottle of whiskey from the kitchen cabinet.
7:35 PM: I am tempted to pull out the ice cubes from the refrigerator. I am instantly reminded of yesterday and push the notion away.
7:56 PM: I clean the bed, set up the side table with the bottle of whiskey and ice cubes. I promise not more than a couple of drinks.
9:02: PM: As I pour my third glass of whiskey, I find myself looking at the social media profiles of my Ex. Her Instagram stories educate me that she has gone to our favourite bar with her friends. I hear the giggles and that makes my stomach churn.
10:03 PM: I bite into the pizza and take a sip of the whiskey (I have lost count) while I remember and recollect everything that went wrong. Starting from the argument with my boss which made me quit the job six months ago, the fight that ensued with a friend from the company because he would not listen to my side of the story. The knock out punch was the breakup with my girlfriend. After having stayed together with her for 5 years, it shredded me into pieces. I play music not too loud, just softly to disrupt the silence.
11:07 PM: I finish the bottle of whiskey and light another cigarette. Drinking alone has a distinct charm. I open the laptop and start pouring my thoughts in a word document. I write about how I am so vulnerable all the time and how I have become so good at hiding it in front of people.
12:04 AM: I am in bed. I try to sleep but the head is bombarded with a multitude of thoughts and ideas. I push them away and the harder I try, they come back with greater ferocity. I take a depression test online and the results state that I am a case of clinical depression.
12:41 AM: I cover my face with a blanket as if it would stop me from thinking. I think and I think hard about everything that could have been but isn’t. I blame myself for everything that went wrong. I try to conjure up all the strength left and promise myself I will fight tomorrow for it is a new day and brings a promise of change.
1:08 AM: My pillow is drenched with teardrops. I try to quiet my mind by doing a quick meditation exercise but it doesn’t work. I am not even sure if I am doing it right.
1:45 AM: I am awake.
2:22 AM: My alarm is set for 6 AM. I have less than 4 hours to sleep.
3:00 AM: It’s the devil’s hour while my mind is the devil’s playground. I search if sleeplessness is a symptom of depression. Google returns with many search results. However, I don’t dare open any.
3:47 AM: Nothing, in particular, troubles me and yet I can’t sleep. Even though there’s enough drowsiness in my eyes that would allow me to doze off for many hours and yet I can’t bring myself to sleep.
4:01 AM: I can feel my eyes to be bloodshot red as they start to close on their own.
6:00 AM: My alarm startles me as I snap out of the horrid dream. I look at the clock. Another day to cope with depression and confront life is here.