Midway between our hearts and our minds lies a place where decisions dwell. There, they coalesce as lumps in our throats. And there, do they die as unspoken words and haunt our souls, forever.
A million musings float just under the surface, thoughts dart off to unknown places and come right back, the head moves at the sound of an unfamiliar beat, and the bubble of distracted inspiration slowly deflates leaving me stranded in the middle of an idea. The horizon looks further away, the foreground is out of focus and the voices in the head are muffled and obscure leaving the sight smudged with obstructions and oblongs.
All this while, the light is consumed by the hallows of the dark, the commotion of emotions boils up and simmers down, the maze of words builds up the puzzle and the pen pierces through the paper with nugatory dots. A gust of puzzlement hits me as I try to comprehend what words, phrase, metaphors, lies, joys, and tears would aptly describe my story and leave a mark in the deepest corners of the hearts of my readers.
Grasping at the fine line between fiction and non-fiction that even I can’t fully differentiate, I get transported to a dream. Even in that state, all the language seems inadequate to express the simplest of notions and suppositions. The undefinable spectres tease me as I long for the perfect words that simmer down below the realm of all possible permutations and combinations. Dark, murky clouds of reality engulf me as my creativity and imagination go for a toss.
And all this while, I stare out of the window, reaching out for the stars and my thoughts homogenise to a single question,
“How do I begin?”
As humans, we have an innate tendency to communicate, to exchange what goes on in the wide expanse of our minds. However, that tendency is being occluded by unknown fears and consternation. We build walls around ourselves to conceal what we are made up of – morsels of many experiences that shape our existence. We have become a prisoner of words unsaid. Lonely feelings, locked away in our heads, we trap ourselves further every time we decide to stay quiet. We don’t even try to open ourselves and speak up. We stay affixed to this pernicious circle of silence and drift towards oblivion leaving nothing but feelings hanging in the air.
The number of ‘I Love Yous’ left unsaid is much higher than those actually spoken. Hearts are often broken by words left unsaid and deeds left undone. All those perfect moments marked by a sudden increase in heart beat, sweat settling under the palms, and the whiff of the fresh air that is almost set for a new beginning get ruined by our inability to speak up. Words left unspoken will sit inside our mind screaming and corrode it beyond repair. The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unspoken and deeds left undone.
Agraphia or the writer’s block is a recurring impediment that can be solved with time and techniques. However, our inability to let our thoughts be formed in words and surface out is a plightful situation that has no pertinent solution.
And all this while you sit there thinking about the words that need to breathe some fresh air, I wonder,
“How do I begin?”